Harmless Profiling
by CaBu
Summary: When the government sends in a criminal psychologist to counsel the inmates in Superjail, how will The Warden take it? He'll have to devise a wicked plan to scare her off. OC.
1. Act One

I do not own any part of Superjail! Just the character Paige.

* * *

"_They say, be afraid. You're not like the others, futuristic lover."-_ E.T., Katy Perry.

Harmless Profiling

Act One

Criminal psychology. Paige had all the textbook knowledge she would need but she couldn't help but think if it was enough. Through all of her work in graduate school and psychology training she always felt as if she could take on any task, but _this_, this was different. No amount of training could prepare her for the job at hand.

She sat in her seat, silent as ever. The thoughts of all her schooling still fresh in her mind. She knew she would need it. She repeated the laws of psychology in her head as if they were a Hail Mary. Over and over, she thought and rethought her training. She wasn't sure if she could do this, but she was going to try.

Only if being a psychologist was her only problem.

She had worked with the United States government for a few years, to help her through college. Now the feds were combining her skill as a criminal psychologist in-training and government guinea pig. With orders from the government to 'pay' back from schooling she didn't really have much choice.

Her mission was to uncover a case of cruelty and inhumane acts against inmates of a prison named Superjail. All the while, posing as a criminal psychologist.

It was the perfect plan. It also _sounded_ like a simple task by the government's description. Paige hadn't heard much about Superjail, only that there were was some rumor that it was far from any traditional prison. The supposed 'warden' of Superjail was said to be a mad man who ruled his kingdom with an iron fist.

She had to bring back evidence of the inhumane acts going on in Superjail. Nothing would deter her from her mission; it was the only way she could get back to her normal life; a life without the government's influences or orders. Then she could continue with her life as a professional criminal psychologist.

The sounds of the helicopter's rotor flapping in her ears soothed her anxiety. Until this moment, she had refused to look out her small round window. Her fear of heights would only add to her stress level. Why did Superjail have to be so secluded? Then again, that question answered itself.

"_Ms. Paige, please buckle your seatbelt, we're preparing to land." _

Ah, here it was. Paige let her hands wander down to her lap as she began to fix her buckle. Her eyes remained on the window and she stared down at the ocean below. It was an endless blue depth that fascinated her while at the same time made her stomach turn. Her eyes were then drawn to a large island. In the center of the island stood a single volcano. So this was Superjail? This should be interesting.

XoXoX

The Warden enjoyed seeing a new face every now and then but this? This was different. A new inmate was one thing but having a government assigned official come into _his_ jail? It was more than absurd; it was ridiculous, shameful and utterly terrible. No! He wasn't going to let some _quack_ come into _his_ establishment and try to take over. HE was The Warden after all! He deserved some respect!

The Warden spun around in his chair. The brightly colored walls whirled around him and threatened to make him ill. He continued past anything his stomach felt and twirled. It was the only thing that took his mind off this horrid situation!

Since when did having a criminal psychologist make any sense? Giving the inmates a therapist? It was the silliest thing he'd ever heard!

A small brown smudge in the room distracted The Warden from his twirls. He cocked a brow and began to slow down his chair's pace. After slowing down in rate, The Warden could identify just what that annoying brown smudge was.

"Sir, you're guest should be here at anytime!"

The Warden felt a flicker of anger ignite in his chest. Ugh, did Jared _have to_ remind him? It was the very last thing he wanted to think about!

"Oh, Jared do you have to remind me?" The Warden groaned as his chair spinning came to a slow stop.

"But sir, this is _very_ important!" Jared said in his usual worried tone. "We have to welcome this new staff member or else the she might report us to the government!"

"Government, pah." The Warden gathered his senses together after his short ride. "Those buffoons don't know what they're talking about!"

"We don't have much of a choice, sir." Jared released a small sigh.

"Our inmates don't need _therapy_." The Warden was quick to flick his gloved hand at his assistant. "All our inmates need is some tender-loving care! Having them talk about their feelings might give them ideas!"

Jared rolled his eyes. "And we can't have that."

"No we can't!" The Warden flew out of his seat. "This is Superjail! We're _superior _to all other jail systems!"

"I understand that but what are we going to do about her?" Jared shot a confused gaze in The Warden's direction.

"Hmmm," The Warden brought his index finger to his bottom lip. "Perhaps we can get her to leave on her own? Scare the little pest off?"

"Um," Beads of sweat began to build on Jared's forehead.

"Of course!" The Warden removed his hand from his chin and snapped his fingers. "That's it! We'll smoke the little bee out with some steam! Nothing you can't take care of, Jared."

"Sir," Jared's voice began to crack. "Is that _legal_?"

"This is Superjail!" The Warden threw both of his arms into the air. "Anything goes here!"

"Right…"

"That hag won't know what's waiting for her." A wicked smile began to spread across The Warden's face. He lifted his hands to his chin and interlaced his fingers. "She'll be out of my hair before I know it, right Jared?" The Warden's eyes dropped down to his small assistant.

"M-m-me?" Jared jabbed his index finger into his tiny chest. "Why me?"

"I'm sure you can figure it out." The Warden lifted his hand to his top hat and adjusted it to his liking. "I'm leaving this up to you."

Jared took in a deep breath before releasing a sigh. "I'll get right on that."

XoXoX

The helicopter door slid open, allowing the sun's rays to hit Paige's eyes. She squinted as her eyes began to adjust to the brightness of the sun. She unbuckled her seatbelt and stood from her seat.

And there she stood, right outside the doors of Superjail. The sudden impact of her situation had yet to hit her. She was alone. Paige turned her chin over her shoulder and looked back to the helicopter. She watched as one of the two pilots slid the door shut.

Paige took one last look at her reflection in the small helicopter window. Her dark brown hair was styled in a bob-but while a small Blue Tooth device stuck out of her left ear. She appeared to look as if she knew what she was doing; wearing a business jacket and skirt that hover just above her knees but did she really know what she was doing? Even if she didn't, she wasn't going to let _anyone_ guess otherwise.

She turned her chin back over her shoulder and looked at the giant door that led into Superjail. The sound of the helicopter's rotor picked up in pace, this meant she would soon be on her own.

She needed a cigarette.

XoXoX

"So you're the new meat?"

Paige lifted a brow. She walked behind the only security guard in silence while her mind raced with questions. A single guard for this entire prison? That was a little odd, wasn't it? She had introduced herself as Alice and appeared strong enough. Then again, if she weren't then she'd most likely already be dead.

"Yes." Paige answered in a dull tone as she stepped through the jail halls behind Alice.

"Not much of a talker, are you?"

Paige felt her eyebrow arch. This wasn't the time for a spiffy reply, besides there was no point in conversing, she had a mission to do. It was best not to make any 'friends', after all her mission was to _shut down_ Superjail, not enjoy it. So she remained silent.

Paige lifted her chin a bit higher as the two females entered the holding area. It was a massive area where small cells were placed back to back. The sounds seemed almost unbearable. Sounds of hoots, shouts and cries, what was this place? It was more as if it where a zoo rather than a prison. All the more evidence for her then, if only she had a way of _proving_ it to the feds.

Then again, there was her trusty digital camera she had in her suitcase.

"You're a therapist?"

Paige flinched. Alice was speaking to her again. She lifted her head as she mentally replayed Alice's pervious statement.

"Criminal psychologist."

Alice let her should bob up and down a single time. "Whatever."

Well, this was going over well. Paige cleared her throat before bringing her index finger to her face. She pushed away a stray hair that moved in front of her eyes. She couldn't let on that she was sent in by the government, she had to remain calm. Any sudden movement could trigger something _terrible_. She had to be as normal as possible.

"You're going to be giving these guys advice or something?" Alice spoke again.

"I'm here to diagnose them and counsel them."

"Yeah, that's what I just said." Alice peeked over her right shoulder and looked back to Paige.

Paige felt her heart stop. Alice was looking back at her but she couldn't distinguish what Alice's emotion was behind her glasses. Was she glaring? The frown on her lips would say yes.

"The feds sent you in?"

"Yes." Paige answered with a quick, short answer. "Every prison facility has to have a criminal psychologist on hand."

"We didn't need one before," Alice turned her chin to face forward once again. "We don't need one now."

Was there a point in arguing? Paige felt the urge to groan or roll her eyes but she resisted. She had to be professional, at least for now.

Act End


	2. Act Two

Harmless Profiling

Act Two

She waited in the elevator beside Alice. She wasn't sure what would come next but she had to prepare herself for the unexpected. After all, this was a prison setting. _Anything _could happen. Were the rumors about Superjail true? Or just hopeless rumors, spread to engrave the fears of prison life in young criminals? She was told by her superiors to be careful, very careful.

The dinging sound of the elevator let her know she was coming closer to the top level of Superjail, also known as The Warden's office. Her heart began to beat faster and faster and her mouth became dry. What was he like? Was he going to be as crazy as the rumors predicted him to be? There was no doubt in her mind, he was a genius; just looking at her surroundings told her that he had an IQ higher than any average human.

Superjail was more than just a prison. It was an amazing place full of different colors and themes. Only a crazed genius could create such a wonderland.

Ding

"We're here," Alice said in a low tone. "Come on, kid."

Paige felt her heart rate skyrocket. She swallowed the lump in her throat before watching the elevator doors slide open. A burst of yellow light hit her eyes and caused her to squint her eyes. After a moment or two of adjusting, her eyes opened once again and she was able to see all of the interiors of The Warden's office.

Was this a child's playroom? Paige felt her eyebrows fall low on her face and her lip curl. This was certainly no _man's_ office. This was strange. Perhaps The Warden's reputation preceded him.

Paige watched as Alice took a few steps forward, deeper into The Warden's office. Paige followed without question and allowed the yellow walls to absorb her body. As she stepped deeper into the room, a large desk became clear. A chair sat beyond the desk, it was turned backward, the back facing Paige and Alice.

A small brown spot in her field of vision caused Paige's eyes to dart to the lower left part of the room. A smaller man stood beside the desk with a worried look on his face. He stood; twirling his fingers around in front of his chest while a small drop of sweat trickled down the side of his face.

"So you're the therapist?"

Paige's ears vibrated with the sound of a soothing voice. Her eyebrows arched and she directed her attention back to the backward chair behind the large, brown desk.

"Criminal psychologist." Paige replied in a simple voice.

"Whatever."

Paige felt her cheek twitch.

"Allow me to introduce myself," The chair began to spin around. "I am The Warden."

Paige watched as a slender man came into view. He was clad in his purple business suit and top hat. His yellow-tinted glasses hid his large eyes while straight strands of black hair popped out behind his ears.

So this was The Warden?

"And you are?" He said lifting a single brow.

"Paige."

"Very good." The Warden lifted himself from his seat. "I am to assume that the lovely Alice has already introduced herself?"

Paige's eyes darted to her left. The redhead woman stood like a brick wall. Paige then glanced back to The Warden. He had now had a wooden cane at his side. He applied his weight to the cane, propping his back to stand up straight. He poked out his lips and continued to hold his cocked eyebrow, creating an interested gaze on his face.

"Yes." Paige answered after a few moments of silence. "She has."

"Also very good." The Warden nodded. "And this," Without drawing his eyes away from Paige, nudged his head in the smaller man's direction, "Is my assistant, Jared."

"Nice to meet you both." Paige said with a small nod.

"Now, on to more pressing matters." The Warden lifted his hand into the air and snapped his fingers a single time. "What are your plans here, Paige?"

That was a simple question. "I'm here to diagnose your inmates with any mental illness they may have." She answered in a strong tone.

"Hmm," The Warden moved his hand beneath his chin. "That's what the _government_ sent you here for, my dear. I run the show here and I will be issuing your duties to you."

Paige felt her lip twitch. This was going to be fun. Paige resisted the urge to groan. This wasn't going to be easy, Paige could _feel _it. The tension between her and her new 'boss' was obvious not only to her, but to the other staff members in the room. The look on Jared's face told Paige the whole story. So this was going to be difficult was it?

"I can't do much else for you," Paige finally broke her silence, "I'm only a specialist in psychology."

"Pity."

Another blow? Paige began to grind her teeth in her mouth.

"Your things?" The Warden was quick to change the subject. "You did bring your own clothes, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Sir, I believe Jailbot is bringing her things to the top floor." Jared interrupted in a small, nervous tone.

"Ah, good." The Warden's eyes shut closed.

Jailbot? Should she even ask?

Before she could get a second word out, a loud crashing sound caused Paige to flinch _hard_. The wall furthest to the right corner was blown open, allowing the strong wind current from the outside to waft in. Paige's jaw dropped open. What the hell? Her eyes focused on the center of the hole but she wasn't sure if what she was seeing was accurate. A large tombstone-shaped robot floated in the open wall.

"Ah, Jailbot." The Warden said with a grin. "You have Miss Paige's things?"

Paige watched as a long mechanic arm snaked its way from behind Jailbot's body. A green suitcase came into view and dropped to the floor. Paige felt her entire body twitch this time, those were _her_ things. Damn, as if the helicopter trip here wasn't harsh enough on her poor suitcase.

"Thank you, Jailbot." The Warden beamed.

Paige bit down on her bottom lip. Ugh, this was going to be entertaining. She was told to expect the unexpected but _this_? This was stranger than any fantasy she could ever think up. It couldn't get any worse…

"Am I to expect you to wear _that_ style of clothing everyday?"

It just got worse.

Paige felt her heart jump. The Warden was speaking to her again? She jerked her attention away from her fallen suitcase and looked back to the mad man standing before her. He hand a satisfied look on his face as he stood. But what did he mean? Style of clothing? She wasn't sure what The Warden was referring to…

Before she could part her lips to ask, The Warden took a single step forward and extended his gloved, right hand to her. "It is a bit on the dull side, isn't it?"

Paige felt her eyes flicker with anger. What was _that_ supposed to mean? She watched as The Warden circled her, as if she were a wounded animal on the hot Savanna plain. He lifted his index finger to his bottom lip, as he looked at her every feature. He hummed to himself while studying her.

"What's wrong with it?" Paige asked.

"Well, there's the gray business suit to begin with," He replied, now bending down to get a good look at Paige's legs. "Then there are those terrible red flats."

She twitched. "As thee Warden of this prison I assumed you knew that I couldn't wear stilettos." Paige then crossed her arms over her small bust. "Health hazard."

The Warden pulled upward, his face meeting Paige's once again. "Where's the pizzazz, the zing of color and frills?" He asked, cocking his head to one side. "You're utterly boring." He finished by stepping away from Paige and back to the front of his desk.

"I'm not here to impress you." Paige snapped back, her cheeks turning a light shade of pink. "I'm here for the inmates."

The Warden leaned his lower back against his desk and began to stroke his fingers over the ball on his cane. "That doesn't mean you have to be dull while you're doing it."

Paige was quick to roll her eyes. "The last thing I want to do is interest an inmate."

"It doesn't mean you have to be no fun for _me_ to look at."

Paige felt her body engulf with anger. Just when she thought things couldn't get any more awkward. The Warden, he wasn't the dangerous man she had thought him out to be, he was just mental! This couldn't be real, could it? _This_ idiot ran _this_ entire prison?

"Sir," The sound of Jared's high-pitched voice caused Paige to look in his direction. The shorter man approached The Warden and continued, "Shouldn't we show Miss Paige to her room?"

"Fine." The Warden pulled his attention away from his cane. "Go on then."

"This way, Miss Paige."

Paige's eyes darted back down to the shorter male. She gave a simple nod of her head before watching Jared fetch her suitcase. He struggled for a moment to pull the heavy luggage bag but soon adjusted to the weight. He rolled the suitcase along and approached the elevator door in silence.

Just before turning away from The Warden, Paige shot a glare at him. This wasn't going to be any 'regular' prison job. This was going to be much harder. Nothing, not work, not college or psychology training could prepare her for a job at Superjail. Not when she was working with someone like _him_.

Paige moved her chin over her shoulder after a delayed moment of fierce glaring. She had to stand her ground, now more than ever. She had to let the alpha male know that she would not let up so easily. She was going to close down Superjail no matter what. She knew that for a fact. The Warden would have to kill her before she would give up.

XoXoX

The Warden released a lengthy yawn, his back still leaning against his desk. Well _that_ was uneventful, far less fun than he had imagined. Paige had turned out to be exactly what he dreaded the most. She was typically textbook, how boring! He was sure he would just die from boredom if he stayed by her side any longer! This wasn't going to be fun at all!

"What do you think of her?"

The Warden flinched to the sound of Alice's voice. He lifted his right brow and watched as she approached him, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Dull." He said with a groan.

"I would have appreciated having another girl around here, but I guess I won't get much out of that one." Alice said as she shook her head back and forth with shame.

"She's quite plain." The Warden rolled his eyes. "Perhaps a new staff uniform is in order?"

Alice released a small snort through her nose, an attempt to contain her laughter. "Not much you can do about that haircut."

"Ugh," The Warden threw his hand over his forehead. "Don't get me STARTED on the bob-cut! Its so retro!"

"She could use some botox in her lips." Alice chuckled under her breath. "I won't have any problems with her."

"Good." The Warden spun around to face the large window behind his desk. "But don't get attached," He warned in a sly tone. "She won't be staying here long."

Act End


End file.
